Living with AuDHD
If I had to describe what it's like to have AuDHD in one sentence, it would be: It's like experiencing the world in 100x HD.
Before I say more, I want to clarify that, like neurotypicals, all neurodivergents are different. There is a large spectrum as to how autism and ADHD affect people, from high-masking and high-functioning individuals to those with high support needs, it also presents differently in males and females. I can only share this snapshot of my experience.
What is autism and ADHD?
The physical effects of autism on the brain are not fully understood, but one theory that stood out to me came from a 2014 Columbia University study. When we are born, our brains are flooded with thousands of synapses: tiny connectors from our nervous system to our brain. In early development, our body goes through a ‘pruning’ process, where it cuts off the synapses it deems unnecessary to filter how much information we take in. Their study suggested that in autism, this pruning process is reduced in parts of the brain. It is commonly believed that an autistic brain is wired for deep detail, pattern recognition, and intense focus, and they can find social and sensory information overwhelming.
ADHD, like autism, affects the brain in different ways, but my oversimplification is that it involves issues with regulating dopamine levels. This impacts motivation, attention, and impulse control. This brain is believed to be fast-moving and creative, but can struggle with repetition and mundane tasks.
Some of us have both, which externally it can appear they almost compliment each other but internally it can feel like a tug of war between craving routine, organisation, and structure, and then getting a sense of under stimulation and needing spontaneity.
Childhood Confusion and Diagnosis
Growing up, I felt like everyone received a handbook on how to exist, and mine got lost in the post. It felt like things others found easy, I found difficult, and the things others found difficult, I found easy. Now, on reflection, I can see this caused a lot of internalised shame.
When I received my ADHD diagnosis in 2021, I believed this was the answer for everything, and don’t get me wrong, it helped, but as I unpacked how this affects me and learned how to channel it in a positive way, it left more unanswered questions in other areas which eventually led to my autism diagnosis.
Strengths, Struggles, and Sensory Overload
I can talk endlessly about the things I love - psychology, health, business operations, and creative design, and listening to others and sharing my opinion is fine. But back and forth small talk? I find very draining. I might appear ok, but internally I’m running a mental script: What should I ask next? Am I making enough eye contact? Is my body language ok? The only way I can regain energy after this is either by being alone or with someone I can fully let my guard down with.
My brain moves fast, it's like having a browser with 40 tabs open, and 3 are playing music. I can be deeply analytical and detail-oriented, spotting flaws, inconsistencies, or inefficiencies very quickly. But in contrast to this, I could be in the middle of something important and quite literally have no memory of being there because my mind was somewhere else.
I am extremely sensitive to sensory input, I feel lights, sounds, smells, and textures in my bones. I can sense people's emotions or the energy in a room before they speak, and pick up on the routines and patterns of others easily. Processing this amount of detail can be a positive, but it can also be exhausting.
Over the past few years, I realised I used alcohol in my teens and right through my twenties to dull my heightened senses. It appeared as if it made things easier, but in reality, it disconnected me from myself and left me emotionally dysregulated. While I had greatly reduced how often I drank over the past 2 years anyway, and I don’t want to completely restrict myself, I have to be extremely mindful in order to retrain my brain to connect with what my body needs.
Communication, Burnout, and Boundaries
I thrive on direct communication and clear expectations. I love systems and organising, and ambiguity can throw me. This isn't about control; it's about preparation. My brain craves clarity over chaos.
That said, every so often my ADHD breaks routine and says, ‘I’m bored, please send help’. Once, that meant going out all weekend or taking a 3-hour train to buy a cat (Colin is still my favourite purchase – no regrets). Now, I channel that urge into things like spontaneous day trips or trying new restaurants, things that offer novelty without dysregulation.
I find comfort in repetition, watching the same show, listening to the same song, or rereading the same books, where I can visualise scenes like a movie set in my mind. My internal monologue is never-ending, always trying to understand the layers behind things.
When questioned if I ‘stim’ (repetitive movements that help regulate your nervous system, process emotions, manage sensory input, or feel calm and focused), I responded no, but later realised I do - I walk and pace to what could be seen as excessive amounts, I fidget all the time, whether that be playing with a pen, my hair, curling my toes etc.
The uglier side to this experience would be described as AuDHD burnout. It’s not the same as normal burnout, it's much more intense. My tolerance to life has grown throughout the years, but this can still happen as a result of constant overload and unmet needs catching up with me. I lose interest in everything, and I get an unbearable feeling like someone has sucked the air out of my lungs and my skin feels uncomfortable on my body. This can result in uncontrollable crying or completely shutting down and not being able to speak.
I am someone who has always been independent, determined to look after myself, but when this happens, I need the people I am closest to to understand what it is. I am very fortunate that I have good friends who fully understand me, who I have the confidence to reach out to when this happens and they know exactly how to speak to me in those times, and by having this network, I get out of it 10 times as quick than if I didn’t.
So, how am I going solo backpacking?
It’s a fair question. New people. Guaranteed small talk. Unpredictable Environments. Sensory Unknowns.
I have always found solo holidays easier, I can take a day to sit and do nothing if that’s what I need without feeling the pressure of someone else. Now that I better understand the boundaries I need to keep to look after myself, I can also manage the constant changes that come with this trip and take a leap of faith to do something that has been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember.
There's a difference between pushing yourself to grow and abandoning yourself. Growth feels uncomfortable, but aligned; it might be scary or hard, but it resonates with who you are or who you want to be. You're not pretending to be someone else or ignoring your needs, you're just expanding your comfort zone. Abandoning yourself goes against your gut feeling, even though it might look good on paper, deep down, you know it’s not right.
Why am I being so open about this?
I don’t know about you, but on one hand it can feel like we are progressing, and then on the other hand it feels like we are taking 100 steps backwards with all of the horrific things that are happening in the world right now.
In terms of this specific subject, I understand it's much easier for leaders to give a black and white blueprint of how things should be done, but this approach often overlooks people who could bring immense value if given the right environment to thrive.
I started working in HR before I had any diagnosis. I now realise I was drawn to it because I subconsciously believed that we could do more to get the most out of each employee, whilst enabling that individual to feel motivated and fulfilled. It’s not about giving everyone free rein, it’s about finding a balance through open communication and two-way participation.
Ireland has legal protections against discrimination, but we still have a long way to go in addressing unconscious bias, stigma, and a general lack of awareness and training.
Some argue that neurodiversity is being ‘overdiagnosed’ or ‘a trend’. I agree that no one should be diagnosed incorrectly. But these experiences have always existed. Up until the 2000s, even 2010+, it was viewed through a lens of mental illness, bad parenting, eccentric, quirky, a loner, a specialist in one specific topic, something ‘a bit off’, now we are finally getting a better understanding that there is a spectrum of varying traits and needs.
The answer may not be to ‘fix’ these people, but instead to allow them the opportunity to understand how they work and being supported in doing that.
I believed keeping this private would be the safest choice out of a fear of judgment, a fear that it could affect my future career, and shame that I will never be the version of ‘perfect’ I have always been clinging on to.
Then I read something that stuck with me: ‘fitting in is the opposite of belonging’. I spent the majority of my life working against myself to fit in, and while I am proud of where I am today, I also feel a deep sadness for the girl who felt broken. She always felt like she was too much or never enough. My lack of self-understanding caused constant insecurities, and only now can I confidently understand and uphold the boundaries that I need, not to push others away, but to be the best version of myself for me and everyone around me.
The right friends will be there and listen, they won't avoid difficult conversations. The right company will hire me because they know I will be an asset to the team. The right partner will respect me and work with me on creating a relationship that works for both of us.
I am by no means an expert, and I'm still figuring all of this out. But if you ever want to ask me a question, please do, because it will only be with more understanding, and normalising this conversation that we can have a world where individuals who experience things differently feel seen.
